i am in deep pain...in deep sorrow
no one knows, no one suspects i think
masked by a happy face
pretending to have a cool and strong disposition
i don't expect people to understand
i expect them to leave me alone
and not question my status
i'm becoming irritable and restless
i'm dissatisfied
i want to escape
escape to a place where i am a complete stranger
in a distant land
where i can re-create myself
change my personality or un-mask me.
10.13.2009
10.07.2009
9.29.2009
today's my pessimistic apathetic mood
would you kill me if i told you that i'm not up for saving the world today?
i'm unmotivated and probably tired...tired of living this life...as if any of my past experiences or learnings would have made difference in anybody's life....as if i care if it did....tired of always having to learn.
if only i have 1 billion dollars today i would have resigned from my job and go to a place where people will not disturb me.
this is what the gods should probably feel like...oh im tired of doing this and that to puny humans...i'd rather fuck some god or do my beauty regimen and sleep for eternity.
us puny humans here go hunger, go into war go into whatever pathetic and chaotic things we can think of...not thinking most of the time of the consequences.
i'm even fed up with myself.
oh fuck how to end this?
i'm unmotivated and probably tired...tired of living this life...as if any of my past experiences or learnings would have made difference in anybody's life....as if i care if it did....tired of always having to learn.
if only i have 1 billion dollars today i would have resigned from my job and go to a place where people will not disturb me.
this is what the gods should probably feel like...oh im tired of doing this and that to puny humans...i'd rather fuck some god or do my beauty regimen and sleep for eternity.
us puny humans here go hunger, go into war go into whatever pathetic and chaotic things we can think of...not thinking most of the time of the consequences.
i'm even fed up with myself.
oh fuck how to end this?
9.23.2009
If marriage can't keep a guy from having sexual affairs with other women, what does?
If marriage can't keep a guy from having sexual affairs with other women, what does?
I'm having sexual encounters with a married guy again. At least I know from the very start that he's with someone and that he doesn't intent to have any serious romantic relationship with me. I find the arrangement to my advantage. After all, I don't think I'm ready yet to have a committed relationship.
K is a lawyer who works in a bank. He's an American and he has been here in the Philippines for a year now.
Gosh he's so cute and very skillful. I love his rosy white skin, he's well toned, not lanky, has a soft curly brown hair and blue eyes. I can kiss him and his whole body the whole day if I can.
One of the good things about him is he really wants to provide me great pleasure. I can see the effort he's giving. He wants to fulfill all my fantasies...well almost.
Another thing I like about him is that he's smooth with words. He tells me that he likes the way I kiss him, and that I'm sexy (even if I don't think I'm sexy).
He told me that he's not really polygamous, he's really monogamous...right. So I asked him why? He said he has not had any sex for a long time because he's here and his wife is in the US.
Right.
Loyalty, faith, trust erodes because of this simple need. Masturbation seem to be not enough...unsatisfying...connection...sexual connection with another human being is a need.
I bet they're doing all sorts of virtual communication but without the physical intimacy...the longing to be with someone or to have sexual intimacy with someone remains.
Probably my fear that the person I'm going to be with would not be loyal or faithful prevents me from taking a chance on a committed relationship. AND I do believe in karma...what if this backfires or what if the man I truly love...my husband would also engage in sexual affairs with other women.
I'm not really thinking about the future yet. Probably one of the reasons why now I'm even open to have sexual relationships with married guys is because of my ex-bf. He has opened the door for me to have this kind of relationship. It's ok to have a sexual relationship with a married guy...anyway, I've already done it. There's not turning back it already happened.
As I once again explore my sexuality with different kinds of people of different status I'm just glad to be of service to other men or even women in need.
I'm having sexual encounters with a married guy again. At least I know from the very start that he's with someone and that he doesn't intent to have any serious romantic relationship with me. I find the arrangement to my advantage. After all, I don't think I'm ready yet to have a committed relationship.
K is a lawyer who works in a bank. He's an American and he has been here in the Philippines for a year now.
Gosh he's so cute and very skillful. I love his rosy white skin, he's well toned, not lanky, has a soft curly brown hair and blue eyes. I can kiss him and his whole body the whole day if I can.
One of the good things about him is he really wants to provide me great pleasure. I can see the effort he's giving. He wants to fulfill all my fantasies...well almost.
Another thing I like about him is that he's smooth with words. He tells me that he likes the way I kiss him, and that I'm sexy (even if I don't think I'm sexy).
He told me that he's not really polygamous, he's really monogamous...right. So I asked him why? He said he has not had any sex for a long time because he's here and his wife is in the US.
Right.
Loyalty, faith, trust erodes because of this simple need. Masturbation seem to be not enough...unsatisfying...connection...sexual connection with another human being is a need.
I bet they're doing all sorts of virtual communication but without the physical intimacy...the longing to be with someone or to have sexual intimacy with someone remains.
Probably my fear that the person I'm going to be with would not be loyal or faithful prevents me from taking a chance on a committed relationship. AND I do believe in karma...what if this backfires or what if the man I truly love...my husband would also engage in sexual affairs with other women.
I'm not really thinking about the future yet. Probably one of the reasons why now I'm even open to have sexual relationships with married guys is because of my ex-bf. He has opened the door for me to have this kind of relationship. It's ok to have a sexual relationship with a married guy...anyway, I've already done it. There's not turning back it already happened.
As I once again explore my sexuality with different kinds of people of different status I'm just glad to be of service to other men or even women in need.
2.13.2009
movie in my mind
"i know you love her...
why don't you tell her?
i can tell.
i'm not that stupid you know.
just tell her and get over with it!"
"what if she doesn't feel the same?
i know she doesn't love me.
i can tell."
"just tell her.
just get over with it.
you'll never know what she feels unless you ask her
just get it done.
if she doesn't love you,
at least you know.
no more what ifs
you're free
and you can move on to the next person..."
(long silence)
"love somebody else...
love me."
why don't you tell her?
i can tell.
i'm not that stupid you know.
just tell her and get over with it!"
"what if she doesn't feel the same?
i know she doesn't love me.
i can tell."
"just tell her.
just get over with it.
you'll never know what she feels unless you ask her
just get it done.
if she doesn't love you,
at least you know.
no more what ifs
you're free
and you can move on to the next person..."
(long silence)
"love somebody else...
love me."
1.08.2009
Exclusively dating
so after the sex we had last dec 29 and jan 5....we decided we are exclusively dating.
i dont want to date any other guy...i already like this guy very much and he feels the same way too...but we both agreed that it's not yet a gf/bf relationship...why? because we've only met 4 times and it's too soon to have that kind of level of a relationship...i mean i know i've had boyfriends before after few meetings too but i have to learn from those mistakes. i think relationships doesnt last that long if you decided too soon. besides we only dated twice and i don't know much about him. im not in love with him yet...still figuring it out if i can be in love with him. the same goes for him.
oh wow.
and so yes...i am exclusively dating him...meaning i wont be dating anyone for sometime.
i dont want to date any other guy...i already like this guy very much and he feels the same way too...but we both agreed that it's not yet a gf/bf relationship...why? because we've only met 4 times and it's too soon to have that kind of level of a relationship...i mean i know i've had boyfriends before after few meetings too but i have to learn from those mistakes. i think relationships doesnt last that long if you decided too soon. besides we only dated twice and i don't know much about him. im not in love with him yet...still figuring it out if i can be in love with him. the same goes for him.
oh wow.
and so yes...i am exclusively dating him...meaning i wont be dating anyone for sometime.
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